Regrets

I'm thinking about old friends. An old friend I let down once. Don't know that I'll ever see him again, and it gets me wondering if he's all right now. If the world's been kind since the cruelty of childhood. If he knows I wished to have done better. If things are going to turn out all right after all the pains of the past... I just hope things are different now.

And then I wonder; should I try to contact him, or would that be self interest? A need to ease the guilt and regret? Could I undo the wrongs of before by being the friend now that I always meant to be? Or should I just...let it all go. Do better next time. Well yes, I'll do better next time, but what about the past, is it really gone? I don't know. What I do know is that I'm never going to lose my friends of now like that. No matter what the circumstances, I'll find a way to be there for them. Somehow, I will learn.

Life is such an odd sensation, isn't it? This bunch of memories, sometimes lurking in the back of your mind, jumping out at you in your dreams when you least expect them. Why? Life is so strange. Regrets right alongside the desperate hopes which feel much the same. No time like the present, they say. I have to agree.

Dreamless Sleep

Dreams. I just had a long stretch of having almost no dreams. I've been so busy, I didn't even notice until a week ago, when it suddenly bothered me that I couldn't seem to remember anything at all that happened during the night. My mind was so focused on staying up late enough to finish that essay due the next day, or the upcoming calculus test or yada yada that I wasn't giving much thought to my usual dream adventures.

I know from experience that the amount of thought and importance I place on my dreams indirectly determines their quality. So, over the past week, I've started to get back a little bit of my dream recall, just from being vaguely aware of the possibility of dreaming as I fall asleep.

I had one the other night where Bob Dylan was a police man (?) and the Samantha character from “Sex in the City” got arrested and was hitting on him. Where did that come from? I haven't watched that show in ages, and then hardly ever. Bob Dylan makes some sense though, since my friend/roomate recently got me hooked on youtube videos of his songs. Still, random famous people don't usually pop up in my dreams. Except maybe a few times that Jay Leno was interviewing me on the Tonight Show.

Random Blogs

I like clicking on the "next blog" button and reading a few posts of random people I'd never have known about. It's different from small-talk with strangers, because these are people talking about the things that matter in their life. And it's similar to small talk because you may never see that blog again. Yeah, I know, I could just bookmark the blogs I like, but then I'd be missing the point of...whatever the point is.

The point is, it reminds me of some movie I saw when I was a kid. No idea what it was called, I just remember this one scene where this kid has a closet. Every time he opens the closet different creatures come out. One time this girl...a doll possibly...comes out and is really nice. They become friends, but then he has to close the closet, and she says not to put her back because he may never see her again. But she goes back in the closet anyways and I had some vague feeling about how the next creatures coming out might not be so friendly.

Don't ask me what that has to do with the "next blog" button. I haven't quite figured it out myself. I would really like to know what that movie was, though, and see how far off my memory was. Oh well, perhaps the movie itself is lost in the closet of forgetfulness.

Restless Creativity

It's one of those days when my thoughts and emotions are too scrambled to untangle. After coming home from class today, all I really wanted to do was take a nap. But I can't seem to sleep right now. I keep sitting down at the piano or picking up the guitar...playing the same old pieces. Pieces I wrote so long ago and played so many times that it's just not expressing the feelings in a satisfying way. And nothing new is coming today. I get stretches of time where the notes come so easily it takes me by surprise. In fact, last Saturday I wrote an entire song practically in one day. Right now though, the music is as muddled and aimless as my thoughts.

I want to do other stuff now too. Like my math homework. I find math problems very calming (provided I'm not under a time constraint). However, I know from earlier today that my brain is too confused and tired for that, too. So, maybe I'll take a nap after all and let my subconscious sort things out. Restless thoughts and unidentifiable emotions can make for some pretty interesting dreams.

Greetings!

Hello! This is my first blog... Ever heard of techno banjo? No, that's not what this blog is about, I just thought I'd throw that out there. My friend and I looked it up on Youtube (don't ask me why), along with heavy metal kazoo and other stuff that you'd think shouldn't exist but does.