Myers-Briggs Test Results

I took the Myers-Briggs test today. I was a solid INTP for many years, then in the past few years my results have been fluctuating quite a lot. This doesn't really surprise me. Right now I came out as an INFP, but last year I was an INFJ (still fairly close to the middle on the J).

Apart from the test results, however, I noticed something quite interesting when taking the test; for the questions on socializing, a lot of my preferences are shifting towards wanting to be around people, but my actions are that of keeping to myself. For the questions on thinking/feeling, I have a much higher value on feeling than I used to (that was the shift from T to F), but my actions are based on logical reasoning. I dislike too much order (it's starting to make me feel more trapped than supported), but I tend to plan everything out before acting.

Seeing a pattern here? My inner motivations are changing long before my actions can. After a life spent keeping to myself, it's hard learning how to interact with people more, even if I have had a major shift in value towards wanting to. That's something I knew already, but it just made it even more clear to me that I'm changing in a lot of different areas internally.

On the one hand, I'm going through a rather confusing and challenging time, since my internal values are not matching up with my ability to express them or my actions. On the other hand, my shift in values is growing stronger, not weaker, meaning I'm not going to give up until they start to show through.


One last thing I'd like to talk about is my belief about change: I don't think one personality type is better than another. In fact, I was very happy, even proud, of being an INTP. But I've been getting this strong urge to explore... everything. Thoughts, feelings, ideas, the world around me, the world within me, and all the ways they can come together.

One of my current goals may be to become more social, but that doesn't mean I want to replace my old personality; rather, I'd like to have the ability to be both. I'd like to be able to change labels whenever I feel like it, to be unafraid of new things, to understand different ways of thinking and perceiving, and to continue to change even after achieving whatever the most recent goal may have been.

Lucid Dreaming

I've decided to seriously get back into lucid dreaming. I was really into it for about a year when I first found out about it, then my waking life became really busy and it seemed like my dreams dwindled down to almost nothing for quite a while.

Lately I've been thinking about dreams more, and that alone seems to make them clearer and more interesting... I've even had a few (very brief) lucids where something in my environment would be a little off and I'd announce, "Hey, I'm dreaming!" I didn't do a whole lot with these dreams except trying to change simple things (make boxes disappear, fix a warped door that wouldn't latch, lol).

So my new goal for lucid dreaming: create a dream scene in as much detail as possible, then keep trying to come back to it and/or recreate it. It'll be interesting to see if I have to do less work to maintain the scene over time. My first project is to create a lighthouse. I already wrote out a detailed description of how I want it to look, and I'll be using that to help me visualize it.

I was inspired to do this after realizing that there are certain "locations" that are common between several of my dreams, often with a certain feeling, directional orientation, and characters associated with it. Sometimes these locations resemble a place I've visited often in my waking life, but other times they're completely imaginary.

This made me think that when conscious (or unconscious) thought is given to such a location, it imprints it on the subconscious mind, making it more "stable" (less vague and changeable). So in theory, if I created something in a dream and kept thinking about it and visualizing it, eventually it should be there without hardly any mental effort.

"I Am a Rock"

A couple months ago I rediscovered the Simon and Garfunkel song, "I Am a Rock", and it led me to a new realization. See, there are some very interesting lyrics to this song. They aren't what one would expect. For example, "I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain. It's laughter and it's loving I disdain. I am a rock, I am an island."

Something about this song resonates with me. I can understand it, I've felt this way. It's those times when you're left forgotten by those around you. When you realize that others don't care about their connection with you the way you thought they did, the way you care about them. Those times when you feel alone in a crowd, surrounded by people laughing and loving each other.

Yes, I've felt this way. And it's so hard not to, at times. And so often I would just blame myself for feeling so bitter. At the same time a part of me would want to mindlessly embrace the words of the song, to find relief from the pain of lack of connection by not needing it in the first place.

And yet, I've never been dedicated enough to this view to actually believe it fully. After all, friendship doesn't always cause pain. It's only when you lose it that it hurts. And then I think, if I only knew how to keep such connections, it wouldn't be so bad, would it?

"I am a rock, I am an island. And a rock feels no pain. And an island never cries." That's the goal of a person with this view, isn't it? Those last words? But at the same time, it's those last words that show so clearly where error is: isolating yourself doesn't protect you from pain, it just protects you from pain caused by other people.


One day I was feeling the bitter loneliness, listening to that song and trying to decipher my confused emotions. I'd been doing so well socially, at the time, but I still wound up with one of those days when my connections felt... devalued.

Then the realization hit me: what if others were feeling just as lonely as I was and I didn't know it? What if it wasn't even the type of thing that could be seen just by looking at someone? They could seem fine, happy even, have people they talk to, and yet they could still be feeling like others don't value a true connection with them.

In fact, I reasoned, with over six billion people in the world, there absolutely has to be people who feel the same. Duh. How could I have been so willfully blind? Here I was feeling alone and there are all these other people feeling just the same.

I began to wonder how many people there are like this, separated only by their own protective walls. I began to wonder if I knew any, if it is even possible to tell who they are without really, truly getting to know them. I even began to wonder how many people are silently in love with each other, seeing each other every day but never daring to say a word about the way they feel, convinced the other couldn't possibly feel the same.

Does it sound depressing? I don't think so. It made me realize I have to keep trying to connect with people. Because sooner or later I'll find people who need me as much as I need them. If I haven't found them already. Whenever I find myself beginning to pull away because it seems the less painful route, I remember that I have to keep trying, for there are others who need the love just as badly.


Thank you Simon and Garfunkel! You've led me to a discovery.

Poem: Communication

A poem of sorts that came to me, on the topic of communication:

Slow down,
There is always more to be said,
There is always more to be understood.

If I try to speak, will you listen?
If I listen, will you tell me?
Will you wait for the meaning to form,
And the words to shape around them?
Because they will change their shape,
And color and tone,
And they will always change,
And wherever there are no words,
The meaning will still remain,
So can you accept what I cannot explain?
Can you believe what I want so badly to show?

For each of us has something more important than can be ever explained to share.

Inclusive Body Language

Have you ever been in a conversation with more than one person, and suddenly discovered yourself forgotten? Maybe it was because you were talking to your friend when an acquaintance of theirs showed up who you didn't know, or maybe you were silent in the conversation for a while because you didn't know much about the current topic. In any case, feeling excluded from a group isn't fun. Sometimes it seems like you're even being physically blocked out, where the other people will turn their bodies just enough to leave you standing separate.

I used to encounter these situations a lot due to my tendency to be a "listener". I might be quite interested in what was being said by others, but I didn't always have something of value to add right then. Unfortunately, people that didn't know me often assumed that since I wasn't saying anything, I wasn't part of the conversation. Even good conversationalists would forget me, so I assume most people don't even realize they're doing this.

Now to look at this from the other side. When I started working on my conversational skills, it became apparent that talking to more than one person at a time threw me off. I had a tendency to give my full attention to one person, and usually that was whoever I knew better or was more comfortable around. I tried dividing my attention between the two people (which I could do with minimal success if they both happened to be my friends), but add another person or two and someone was bound to be left out.

I discovered the solution when hanging out with a couple friends of mine. One of my friends was an introvert, but also a skilled conversationalist. The other friend was even more of a listener than I was, and often didn't talk much at once. I noticed that my conversationalist friend would address both of us even when she and I were the ones doing most of the talking. This simple act meant that when our "quiet" friend did have something to say, she already had our attention. It seemed as natural for her to speak in that situation as it was for her to listen to others speak.

With some practice, I learned how to apply this technique. First, you have to identify which people are interested in any given conversation. You'd be surprised how many people are giving off subtle body language that they want to be involved, but who may have been overlooked because they weren't saying anything right then. Next, adjust your body language to include as many of these as possible. For example, some of your "group members" might be unintentionally blocking someone, even to the extent of having their backs turned. In this case, you may need to step to the side or change which direction you're facing to give them space.

Finally, when you have something to add to the conversation, either address the group as a whole, or alternate between different people. If you're words are directed at one person in particular, you might speak mostly to them but occasionally turn to others.

For the more advanced conversationalist: if you notice someone in particular that's being overlooked, you could try bringing them into the conversation by directing a question at them or saying something specifically meant for them. Often, the other people present will give more attention to them after that, and maybe even look momentarily sheepish for not noticing them.

Courage and Social Interactions

Courage does not mean being fearless, but being able to face your fears. This may sound familiar to you, but for me it didn't mean much until I began to have experiences that backed the idea up.

There are a few mild examples from when I was younger, such as overcoming arachnophobia. First, I stopped being mindlessly afraid and tried to analyse why. I convinced myself that I wasn't really afraid of spiders, I just didn't want to hurt them. Whether this was the real reason or not, the change in my thought pattern did wonders.

Now I'm intrigued by spiders and the information I read about them. When I find one inside, I'll usually try to capture it. I'm still nervous doing this and don't want them to get too close, so I only have about a 70% success rate. But hey, better than calling for my dad to deal it. For the most part, however, growing up I was...well...a wimp. Whenever I was afraid of something, I would figure out every possible way of avoiding the situation.

Again, I want to talk about social situations with strangers, one of my biggest fears. Growing up, if I started talking to someone and I said something really stupid or careless, I would do the only thing I could think of to avoid ever being that embarrassed again; talk as little as possible. As a result, I rarely saw others as sources of light hearted conversation, but instead as potential witnesses to my own idiocy if I didn't carefully construct every statement.

I wasn't aware of my own tactics at the time because I didn't realize the full extent of my fear. After all, I had effectively avoided the situations that caused the fear. My new fear is of not being able to say anything at all when I'm trying to talk with someone. So why didn't I have that second fear before, the one about not being able to communicate? Because social situations with strangers were rare for me. I had managed to avoid most of those to begin with by not having any real interest in initiating contact with new people (unless they made me feel completely safe first).

A few years ago, when I began consciously seeking out new acquaintances, I was at a loss as to why I was still having trouble with conversations. It's because I have to go a level deeper; I stopped avoiding social situations (somewhat), but I haven't stopped censoring myself. It's a very ingrained habit that will take time to change. But I know my next step will be to face my fear of saying something idiotic.

Perhaps the way to do this would be to go ahead and let stupid things slip out every once in a while, and learn not to care so much. I doubt I'll turn into someone who has no filter between my brain and my mouth, but I think it's high time I changed the type of filter.

Social Fears

Sometimes I wonder why I find it so hard to connect with people. Well, that's not completely true. I always have a small circle of friends that I'm very close to. But up until about three years ago, I was never even aware of just how much I depended upon other people being the ones to initiate things. Everything from eye contact, to conversations, to friendships.

I'd say I make a decent friend, but I sure didn't used to make it easy for people to get there :P Maybe that's why my small selection of friends have always been such loyal, amazing people; they were those rare few who were willing to put in the effort of getting to know me, someone who didn't give the usual outward signs of a person seeking out company. No doubt, the occasional bit of luck helped too.

Well, these past few years I've been changing, slowly but surely. I've made a conscious decision to face my social fears and take risks, at least every once in a while. I've gone through phases where I'm making lots of progress, and other phases where I retreat back into the safety of my shell.

At my best, I start conversations with the people sitting next to me in class, go up to the people sitting by themselves at parties, talk to the bus drivers, and even smile at passerby. At other times, I'm perfectly content to ignore the outside world, save for my support system of friends and family who I wouldn't trade for the world. Really, even when I'm at my most extroverted, I never forget that those are the people that truly matter to me.

So what makes me so determined to be more social? Well, one reason is that there are some people who I simply would never meet if I didn't open up first. People with insight and many interesting qualities. Potential friends. In short, people that are just the way I used to be; waiting for someone else to start the conversation. But of course I realize that it's the rare conversation that will turn into a friendship spanning several decades.

I think I'm at the point where I can appreciate a conversation for the sake of a conversation. I used to scoff at small talk, but I can see now that even small talk has it's place. It's a way of connecting with people. Never mind that it's not necessarily a deep, lasting connection, it's a start. It's a way of putting things into perspective. I think if you have that consistent interaction with acquaintances, you can understand humanity better. At least in a basic, rather simple way.

And then there's always the confidence issue. I simply don't want to have a fear of social situations. And I'm becoming a strong believer in facing fears being the best way to resolve them. I'm only beginning to realize just how strong my social fears are. It usually takes a burst of confidence and/or some mental tricks in order for me to start up conversations with people I don't know, and often even people I sort of know already. Sometimes I feel absolutely incapable of it.

It's actually rather hard for me to conceive that this type of thing comes naturally to some people. But I know that it will get easier with practice, and I think it's a worthwhile, long-term endeavour. Well, more details on this topic later. I hope my observations will eventually be of use to others on similar paths.

Attempting to Skateboard

Whoohoo! Just got back from my first skateboarding attempt ever (went with a couple friends). Even though all I can do is scoot along for a few seconds at a time and turn a tiny bit, if feels great! I think taking a break every once in a while to do something new and exciting is really helpful to someone like me who has an endless work load; I actually feel more motivated to study for my Calculus test now than I have all day.

Life is so good right now! I've gone from being a hopeless pessimist to a total optimist in the past three years or so. That's a long story...suffice it to say that I've changed a lot and I plan on changing more, and it's the best feeling in the world!

Writing with my Left Hand

I've been learning to write with my left hand. I want to be ambidextrous! For those that don't intuitively understand why this would be so cool, here are a few advantages to being able to write with both hands:

-if you start to get a hand cramp in one hand, you can switch to the other one
-you never have to worry about the annoying spiral in spiral bound notebooks getting in the way
-it's probably good for your brain
-you can confuse semi-observant people by writing with a different hand every time you see them
-if you break one of your hands you already know how to use your spare

I dedicated a notebook to purely left-hand writing. Almost every day for the past two or three weeks, I've been writing down all the song lyrics I can think of. I've even gotten to the point where I can take notes in class with my left hand! It just takes a lot longer (I'm at about 1/4 the speed of my right hand). Maybe I'll post pictures of before and after sometime. Right now it looks almost exactly like my normal handwriting.

Home-Made Shampoo

Last Saturday I made a new batch of home-made shampoo. It's a cool recipe I found here. This time I tried it with 3 parts distilled water and 1 part castille soap (the jajoba oil is mixed in with the soap already).

I like this shampoo as much if not better than commercial shampoos. Plus it cheaper and you know what's in it. Another reason I've gotten interested in home-made products is that they're more environmental and getting closer to the local economy model (as opposed to relying on corporations for everything in life).

I know, I'm still buying the ingredients from the store, but I've taken the first step and eliminated the commercial shampoos. The next step would be making my own soap, then making my own olive oil for the soap. Ideally, I'd either grow my own olives (unlikely), or know the people that grow the olives/make the olive oil. The idea is to know as much as you can about what's being made and who's making it. I think that too often, people just switch to products with the word "green" stamped on it.

There's a lot more going on than the surface appearance. Let's face it, we, the average "consumers", don't know hardly anything about what resources are being used up. You can't fix the problem just by switching from using one type of resource to the point that it's gone to using an alternative resource to the point where it's gone. That's what corporations do; use things in bulk. Whatever is cheaper to make or comes with a bigger payoff. What's needed to be truly environmental is to know what resources are available locally. < /tangent >

Anyways, I replaced the shower head to a water saving one (finally). Our house is not as environmentally friendly as it could be, and I want to work on that. In my spare time, haha. I also found some recipes for home-made conditioner and laundry detergent that I want to try. I'll post about the results :)

Ideas on Feminism

First off, I wouldn't call it Feminism. More like equal...something. Alright, so I can't invent catch phrases. For the sake of simplicity, I'll compare my ideas to stereotypical Feminism...partly because all I really understand is the general idea. I'm going on the assumption that there are a lot of people out there who have a similar grasp of the general idea.

What I've noticed is that most men probably wouldn't want to get involved in the movement. They might be neutral, maybe, but what motivation is there for them to get involved? I think that the reason for this – apart from upbringing and views on gender roles – is that the message they're getting is, “Hey you males, stop being jerks and let us succeed.” So, the contributions women can make are very active and positive ones, whereas the best a man can do is “not be a jerk”. Well, if he's lucky, maybe he'll get acknowledged as “supportive”.

Half the population is women, and not all women are on board; some don't want to give up their traditional roles, trading their independence (and sometimes rights) for security and dependency. If, in addition, hardly any men are Feminists, that basically guarantees a minority. So, if we really want equality of the genders, we need to focus on men as much as we focus on women.

Then there's the issue of "what is equality?" Is it simply giving women the same rights and opportunities as men? That's been done to some degree, at least in western culture, but even then the genders aren't equal. Expectations differ. So does the amount of work and type of work women tend to take on. For example, in a married couple, the woman might have the same income and work load as her husband, but she'll still tend to take on the majority of raising the children and household chores in addition!

It'd be easy to get off on a tangent about how women are getting the short end of the deal and need to stand up for themselves even more than they already do (which is true enough), but men are getting short-changed by traditional roles as well.

For example, if a couple gets divorced, who do you think is most likely to get the kids? And if the woman does most the work in raising the kids, doesn't that take away a lot of the joy as well as the responsibility from the father? (Not all the joy is in the fun and games, some of it comes from playing a major part in the kids' lives and the difficult day-to-day responsibility as well).

Another example: dating. Although occasionally the girl will ask the guy out, it's still more likely to go the other way around. I've seen a surprising number of comments online about how “you shouldn't have to ask a guy out. If he doesn't have the guts to approach you, he's not worth it”. Hmmm. So a girl says she kind of wants to ask a guy out, but doesn't have the guts...but if the guy doesn't have the guts, he's not worth it. And yet the girl is still so special that she deserves people taking risks for her sake, despite her unwillingness to do the same?

Now, I'm not about to say that anyone is worthless just because they're too nervous or inexperienced to tell their crush they like them, but I do think that people shouldn't expect something of others that they don't expect of themselves.

In other words, if you don't expect yourself to come out into the open, you'll have to deal with the possibility of the other person not coming out either. If you expect them to say something, it's only fair that you expect yourself to say something. Gender has nothing to do with it, except that boys take it for granted that they will have to learn how to ask girls they like out, and girls are not often trained in the skill or even used to the idea.

Relationships is another issue. Some women don't want to relinquish the security of a dependent role, and a lot of men don't want to give up the control and feeling of power/superiority that comes with their traditional role. However, there are women who do see the value in becoming more independent and self-assured, no matter the challenges of learning how.

Along the same lines, perhaps men could be encouraged to see the advantages in giving up some of that control and false sense of superiority; not having to be “the strong one” twenty-four seven and having someone that will help them with their problems, having someone to share each type of responsibility as well as each type of joy, being allowed to express a wider range of emotions, having a significant other who isn't like everyone else, and so on.

Both genders suffer from a lack of balance when they try to fit themselves into the cookie cutter moulds laid out for them by society. A relationship needs both mutual respect for the other person's strengths as well as acceptance and support for their weaknesses.

Sad Song, Happy Tune

I like songs that have sad lyrics and happy tunes. For one thing, the contradiction is beautiful. It indirectly gives the message of finding a way to be happy no matter what the circumstances. Also, I think this type of song has a way of putting a sad or broken hearted person in a good mood. The lyrics give you that feeling of connection, like the song is describing the way you feel. At the same time, the music itself moves you into a completely different state of mind. The song that made me think about all this is "Bye Bye Love", which I found out is actually by the Everly Brothers, but I'm used to the Simon and Garfunkel version.

A similar phenomena are pieces that express intensely sad or even angry emotions at the beginning, then, by some believable miracle, it becomes hopeful and encouraging. It's like the happy/sad songs in the sense of establishing a connection with despair and transforming into something beautiful.

The difference is that it's more likely to fully express the pain, letting it run it's course before moving on. I guess it's the music aspect, more than the lyrics, that I truly relate to...which is probably why sad songs with happy lyrics just don't do it for me as far as getting into a better mood goes.

Everyman Sleep Schedule

I'm starting the Everyman Sleep Schedule today. Basically, it's 3 hours of core sleep, then three 20 minute naps during the day. So, I'll be sleeping from 0:00-3:00, then taking the naps at 8:00, 14:30, and 19:00. I'm keeping a log of the attempt here.

Ravens

Two ravens greeted me on my way to the bus stop, the other day. As I walked by, one of them flapped it's great wings a few times, unconvincingly, and went back to searching for bugs a couple feet from where it had been standing before I came. I slowed down to look, and to keep from scaring them away. The second raven stood there, unalarmed. I stared at it and admired it's deep black feathers and curved beak. It stared back at me, not so impressed. I shrugged and went on my way.

Every year, around this time, I can't seem to see anything but beauty. Some trees are so brilliant they look like a snapshot of fire. Even those trees that keep their leaves green have their charm. They always have. There's a tree on my walk home, for example, which never fails to make life peaceful. It's leaves hang down from it's branches, and even the gentlest breeze will make them rustle like a cross between the sound of rain and waves at the beach. I can't say I stop to smell the roses, exactly, but I least I slow down and try to catch a whiff of their scent as I walk by.

Regrets

I'm thinking about old friends. An old friend I let down once. Don't know that I'll ever see him again, and it gets me wondering if he's all right now. If the world's been kind since the cruelty of childhood. If he knows I wished to have done better. If things are going to turn out all right after all the pains of the past... I just hope things are different now.

And then I wonder; should I try to contact him, or would that be self interest? A need to ease the guilt and regret? Could I undo the wrongs of before by being the friend now that I always meant to be? Or should I just...let it all go. Do better next time. Well yes, I'll do better next time, but what about the past, is it really gone? I don't know. What I do know is that I'm never going to lose my friends of now like that. No matter what the circumstances, I'll find a way to be there for them. Somehow, I will learn.

Life is such an odd sensation, isn't it? This bunch of memories, sometimes lurking in the back of your mind, jumping out at you in your dreams when you least expect them. Why? Life is so strange. Regrets right alongside the desperate hopes which feel much the same. No time like the present, they say. I have to agree.

Dreamless Sleep

Dreams. I just had a long stretch of having almost no dreams. I've been so busy, I didn't even notice until a week ago, when it suddenly bothered me that I couldn't seem to remember anything at all that happened during the night. My mind was so focused on staying up late enough to finish that essay due the next day, or the upcoming calculus test or yada yada that I wasn't giving much thought to my usual dream adventures.

I know from experience that the amount of thought and importance I place on my dreams indirectly determines their quality. So, over the past week, I've started to get back a little bit of my dream recall, just from being vaguely aware of the possibility of dreaming as I fall asleep.

I had one the other night where Bob Dylan was a police man (?) and the Samantha character from “Sex in the City” got arrested and was hitting on him. Where did that come from? I haven't watched that show in ages, and then hardly ever. Bob Dylan makes some sense though, since my friend/roomate recently got me hooked on youtube videos of his songs. Still, random famous people don't usually pop up in my dreams. Except maybe a few times that Jay Leno was interviewing me on the Tonight Show.

Random Blogs

I like clicking on the "next blog" button and reading a few posts of random people I'd never have known about. It's different from small-talk with strangers, because these are people talking about the things that matter in their life. And it's similar to small talk because you may never see that blog again. Yeah, I know, I could just bookmark the blogs I like, but then I'd be missing the point of...whatever the point is.

The point is, it reminds me of some movie I saw when I was a kid. No idea what it was called, I just remember this one scene where this kid has a closet. Every time he opens the closet different creatures come out. One time this girl...a doll possibly...comes out and is really nice. They become friends, but then he has to close the closet, and she says not to put her back because he may never see her again. But she goes back in the closet anyways and I had some vague feeling about how the next creatures coming out might not be so friendly.

Don't ask me what that has to do with the "next blog" button. I haven't quite figured it out myself. I would really like to know what that movie was, though, and see how far off my memory was. Oh well, perhaps the movie itself is lost in the closet of forgetfulness.

Restless Creativity

It's one of those days when my thoughts and emotions are too scrambled to untangle. After coming home from class today, all I really wanted to do was take a nap. But I can't seem to sleep right now. I keep sitting down at the piano or picking up the guitar...playing the same old pieces. Pieces I wrote so long ago and played so many times that it's just not expressing the feelings in a satisfying way. And nothing new is coming today. I get stretches of time where the notes come so easily it takes me by surprise. In fact, last Saturday I wrote an entire song practically in one day. Right now though, the music is as muddled and aimless as my thoughts.

I want to do other stuff now too. Like my math homework. I find math problems very calming (provided I'm not under a time constraint). However, I know from earlier today that my brain is too confused and tired for that, too. So, maybe I'll take a nap after all and let my subconscious sort things out. Restless thoughts and unidentifiable emotions can make for some pretty interesting dreams.

Greetings!

Hello! This is my first blog... Ever heard of techno banjo? No, that's not what this blog is about, I just thought I'd throw that out there. My friend and I looked it up on Youtube (don't ask me why), along with heavy metal kazoo and other stuff that you'd think shouldn't exist but does.